Relationship Therapist San Francisco
When we think of relationship issues, most of us immediately think of dating or romantic connections. However, I define relationship issues as challenges one might face in any sort of human connection. Many people have a difficult time effectively connecting with friends, family members, and/or romantic partners. Some people feel isolated and challenged in their ability to make meaningful connections. No matter what your current relationships are like, we can take a look at what is and isn’t working for you.
Human relationships are essential to our well-being. That being said, everyone has different relationship needs. Through assessing your current situation in relationship(s), we can see what you’d like to change and make better. This might entail focusing your time and energy in different ways or on different people. It might entail learning the appropriate skills to create meaningful relationships.
My goal for all of my clients is that they feel empowered to have the relationships they want in their life, while balancing relationships with other cares and concerns.
Relationship vs. Relating
People come to me for help on all types of relationship issues. Whether you’re struggling with dating, problems that have come up in an existing romantic partnership, or you have challenges in your relationships with family members, friends, or coworkers, therapy can help you resolve these issues. For people in existing romantic relationships, they often need to consider whether they want to pursue Couples Therapy vs. Individual Therapy. I’ll outline the differences between these two options later.
A FURTHER REFINEMENT OF THE TERM “Relationship”
I once heard it said that “there’s no relationship, only relating.” I interpret this statement as being an encouragement to find richness in the moment to moment interaction with the particular person you happen to be with at that time. We often want to define what our relationship is with someone in order to make sense of how they fit in our world; there’s wisdom in that, since we often need labels and boundaries in order to feel safe/comfortable with another person. And at the same time, the richness of the connection lives in what’s happening right now. If you want a deeper connection with anyone, work on tuning into what the two of you are wanting, feeling, and needing from each other in that particular moment.
Couples Therapy
For couples who are needing to work through conflicts or challenges to intimacy, therapy can be very helpful. Couples come for therapy to address challenges as broad as coping with the aftermath of cheating, arguments about how to maintain the house, disagreements about how to move the relationship forward, and challenges around sexual intimacy.
In Couples Therapy we create a space for each individual to relax and get present the other person. From there, the needs, desires, and present time emotions of each partner can be explored. We’ll often use a practice called Nonviolent Communication to help each partner hear the other person better. Sometimes I’ll guide the couple through exercises of sustained eye contact or a guided conversation to speak more directly about present-time emotion. The work is catered to the particular couple, always with the intention of helping each partner feel closer to the other.
Individual Therapy Focused on Relationship Issues
Individuals who come to see me might be in a committed partnership, dating, or single. For those in a current relationship, there might be an opportunity to gain an outside perspective on the challenges of the relationship (This can be particularly meaningful since sometimes it’s difficult to talk with friends and family about challenges with one’s current partner.) For single people or those who are currently dating, we’ll take inventory of your current connections, what you want to see shift, and what you want more of. In a broader sense, I think of relationship as all human connection, so you may want to improve your communication with your boss or your mother. Or you may have frustrations with dating apps and want to strategize how to optimize having better experiences in your dating life.
The Unique Challenges of Modern Dating
(with some differing patterns depending on age, gender, and sexual orientation)
I work with people of a diverse range of ages, genders, and sexual orientations; there are unique challenges for people of different identities in modern dating. There’s a longer conversation here, so for the purposes of this section, I’ll focus on the challenges that seem common across group identities. First of all, it’s important to note that in a big and bustling city like San Francisco, it’s often difficult to meet new people.
The advent of online dating presents a multitude of opportunities to meet new people, but it’s hard to connect with a stranger where photos and words are the only information available. So, how do you find the connection you want while navigating all of this? Is it possible to meet someone in real life anymore? How do you figure out what it is you’re looking for and find your good fit person(s)? I coach people on making sense of it all and finding the connection(s) they really want.
On Monogamy, Non-monogamy, and Commitment
Are you dating multiple people or one person? If you’re dating multiple people, do those people know that you’re not exclusive? At one point do you decide to commit? And what does commitment mean to you? These are common questions that modern single people ask themselves. The first thing to do is get clear on what you want. In modern dating, there are no set or obvious rules. Ultimately you want to find connection where you can connect honestly, and where there’s a sense of alignment. I’ll support you on navigating all of this.
Working with Couples who are Non-Monogamous or Opening Up
More and more couples are practicing or are interested in non-monogamy. For some couples, the process of opening up can be an exciting process, but the process can also be painful and anxiety provoking. I believe that whether you’re monogamous or not, it’s important that you and your partner have honest conversations with each other about your needs and desires. Often I teach couples Nonviolent Communication - a technique for having healthy conversations - as they move through this process. Ultimately these conversations should support creating mutually beneficial agreements that both partners are comfortable with. Here are links to a couple of books on Open Relationships and Non-Monogamy:
1) Opening Up https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
2) More Than Two https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706
Attachment Theory
To feel comfortably connected to another person is a basic human need. For most of us, our parents or caregivers are our first and most important human connections. Depending on whether our caregiver(s) were distant, smothering, or relaxed/secure/present, our attachment style(s) will likely be strongly influenced by these experiences. One’s attachment style describes how one may feel anxious, distant, secure, or a mix of these qualities when in relationship with another. Our upbringing influences our attachment style(s), and if it was challenging to feel securely attached when we were young, this lack of security often shows up in our adult relationships.
Perhaps you have unmet needs? Or maybe you find yourself attracted to people who don’t show up in the way that you need? You may also find yourself getting anxious or distancing when someone gets close. If your attachment style is getting in the way of your having the connection that you want, we may want to do some deep work to figure out what is happening, and how a you might be able to shift into a new mindset or new behaviors.
The book Attached (linked ahead), is an excellent resource for learning about Attachment styles: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Let’s Talk About Sex
(Shout-out to Salt-N-Pepa). We All Have Unique Needs.
One of the wonderful things about living in San Francisco is that we have a culture of sexual openness. Along with our history of progressive acceptance of LGBTQ+ folks, we have a thriving kink and polyamory scene as well. So, we have a culture of openness and acceptance. That being said, many of us were raised to feel shame around our sexual needs/desires. Some of us are less interested in sex and may have been shamed about that too.
When you’re my client, I’m interested in supporting you in having sexual satisfaction, whatever that looks like to you. Essentially, there’s a process of getting clear on what it is you really want sexually, and then figuring out if there’s something in the way of you getting it. Are there thought patterns, beliefs, or behaviors that are getting in the way of your getting what you want? Together we’ll discover that’s holding you back.
Boundary Setting in Relationships
Boundary setting is essential in all relationships. Whether we’re talking about a boss, mother, partner, or friend, we desire different things from different people. I encourage my clients to honor the desires and needs they have, but also to notice the needs and desires of others. Boundaries are what help make the relational dance feel safe and rewarding. Whether you feel like you’re giving too much and having your boundaries crossed, or you find people reflecting back to you that you’re crossing their boundaries, we can work together to help you find more harmonious interactions with other people.